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My Justice League lineup

July 4th, 2008 | 4 Comments | Posted in Movies

Everyone knows that they are planning a Justice League movie so they can try and rake in more of our money with another half baked idea where the wrong people are cast in the wrong roles for the worst reasons. Superman Returns should have been called Superman Turns Emo. They had the skinniest Superman ever in low rise, red bikini shorts and he sat around crying the whole movie and wondering about “his place in the world” YOU’RE SUPERMAN FOR GOD SAKES, grow a pair!! Then, there is Batman Begins, or alternate title Batman Begins to Whine. While it was better than the Batman movies that came before (Especially Batman and Robin – featuring 20-something year old Robin) It still had Christian Bale as probably the most pouty Batman ever, and his “Tough, mad look” looked more constipated than angry.

So, because the more characters that are added the more chances there are to screw thing up, and since we are dealing with a Hollywood that has yet to really get a DC character right, I am offering my services to help cast the right people for the right role. Not big name actors for the most part, but actors and actresses that would actually be believable as the greatest heroes in the DC universe. See, the problem is that all the movies that came before were cast by Hollywood types, not comic book lovers. Spiderman did OK because the director LOVED Spiderman, not ‘his version’ of Spiderman, but the version that the comics created – the same version we, the comic fans, wanted to see on the big screen. So, with no further a due I present to you my lineup for the Justice League:

SupermanJohn Cena: At 6’1″ and 240 lbs of muscle, John Cena is big enough that you can see him with a big red cape and an S on his chest. He been in a couple of action movies and with a good supporting cast could actually bring a manliness back to the Man of Steel and rescue Superman from being a ’90’s guy”

BatmanTimothy Olyphant: Timothy Olyphant has two things that were missing from all the other actors who played Batman. One – He actually has a decent build and height (6′ tall), if he were to put on about 10 more lbs in muscle he would be a perfect build for the Dark Knight. Second – When he acts pissed, you actually believe he is pissed, not constipated, whining or just downright stupid. I would also go so far to say as he actually looks like he could kick someone’s ass unlike certain OTHER Batmen I can think of.

Flash Ryan Reynolds: Flash is a smartass, we know this and we like this about him. He can also run at a speed of about Warp 5 and for my money, Ryan Reynolds has the right build and right quirky sense of comic timing that he would be perfect as the Flash.

Wonder WomanLucy Lawless: She has the build, the attitude and she’s played an Amazon before. Perfect for the hero who is almost as strong as the Man of Steel, but dresses much better.

Martian ManhunterVinnie Jones: Yea, he played Juggernaut in X-Men, but I really think he’s better for the Manhunter.

Green LanternMichael Jai White: Good actor and he has the build. I know that everyone expected me to say Wesley Snipes, but I wanted someone who is newer and besides, John Stewart’s character is a former Marine who is now a Green Lantern, and if anyone in acting looks like that it is Michael Jai White.

HawkgirlRachel Weisz – Hawkgirl is cute, stubborn and can swing a mean mace. Can’t you just picture Rachel with some wings and cracking some bad guys head? If you don’t think she can do tough then you need to watch Constantine

So, there is my lineup. My other recommendations – No rubber suits, armor plating, or anything that doesn’t look like it isn’t from the comics. Don’t ‘reinvent’ the characters, don’t do “A whole new take” on them, and don’t rewrite their history because you’re trying to ‘attract a whole new kind of viewer’. All you will do is alienate all of us who actually like the characters the way they are – which is why we buy the comics in the first place.

Oh, and I have one more recommendation since they have never gotten this character right either. The Joker: Alan Cumming – He actually LOOKS like the joker should look, not an old, overweight Joker or a Brokeback Joker, a Joker who is lean, has a grin that could be very creepy if he had a mind to do it, and after seeing him in “Tin Man” as Glitch, he does mental very well.  Plus, he would be shorter than Batman (he’s 5’10”) Like he is SUPPOSED TO BE! All they would have to do is write a script that shows how crazy the Joker really I, but to do that they would actually have to hire some writers instead of whatever they have been using up to now.

Yea, I might as well hope that Michael Moore does an actual documentary. Both have an equal chance of happening.