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A Thousand Retarded Suns

February 23rd, 2009 | 15 Comments | Posted in It's all about me, The wife and I

Me “My love for you is like a thousand burning suns!”

Wife “So I’m going to get radiation poisoning and die?”

Me ”OK, a thousand suns without all the radiation.”

Wife “So im just going to be burned to a crisp from the heat?”

Me “Ummm… no, they are cool suns, very mild heat from them, but glowey and stuff.”

Wife “So, I’m just going to be blind then?”

Me “Er, no… a thousand very dim glowey suns.”

Wife “So you love me like a thousand retarded suns?”

Me “Yep, that about sums it up”

To My Neighbors

February 23rd, 2009 | No Comments | Posted in People are Stupid, WTF

We live on the third floor of our apartment, the first floor is a covered parking garage and then the actuall apartments start on the second floor.  All the apartments branch off from one central hallway, and from our living room window we can look across and see our neighbors living room window about 40-50 feet away.  For the most part we keep our blinds closed for just this reason which brings me to part of the reason for this post.

Neighbor who live right across from us.  If you are going to surf for porno on the interwebs and pleasure yourself, would you please close your blinds.  I’m not sure that my wife will ever recover from what she saw, in fact, she has taken to trying to drink the vision away.

As for the neighbor that lives across on the second floor, when you are cleaning your BBQ grill, try using an actuall brass brush to scrub the grill with instead of holding the grate in one hand and hitting on it with a hammer in some weird attempt to just knock off the worst of the crap.  Not only is it kind of disgusting but I can’t think it would taste very good to be eating old, burnt on food but then again, considering how much lighter fluid you pour on, I’d be surprised if you can taste anything at all besides petroleum based products.

Speaking of which, you have a chimney starter so why do you still insist on DROWNING the charcoal in lighter fluid?  Good Lord, man, we can smell it up here with the wind blowing the other direction.  Do you just like your food to only taste like lighter fluid?  I can’t imagine it would have any other flavor with the amount you pour on there. I keep expecting to hear a loud WHOOSH and then “AHHHHHH!!! PUT ME OUT! PUT ME OUT!” every time you light that thing up.

Why not just pour gasoline directly on the meat and set it on fire?  You would end up with the same results and the charcoal could be saved for someone who knows how to use it.

In any event, could you please let us know when you are planning your next cookout?  I want to have the video camera ready for when you set our building on fire for the insurance agents since I have no doubt that you will soon be adding that to your list of accomplishments.

Oh, and could you please not leave your poor dog’s bed out in the rain?  Poor guy has nothing dry to lay on out there becasue his bed is now a big freaking sponge.